I actually miss Zion so much... that I went on to the never changing website to look at it...

And I feel such a wave of nostalgia hitting me...

I miss you... I miss all of you...

I wish I was back home (I mean Perth) right now... I really really do...

Because I miss Zion... I miss everyone there... every single one...

Da jie jie called home today... and I asked her how Zion was on Sunday...

And she said there were sooooo little people... and I went "so I bet Terence had to go... Cherrie... can you sit there?"

"Yeah... we had to..."

Been praying for the passion to re-ignite my heart... For the passion for the lost... Somehow I feel lost myself... sometimes...

I guess I've been scared... I feel like... I've lost a part of me... But I can't point it out myself... Few people who don't really know me have pointed out that I look tired... that even though I'm smiling... There isn't the familiar glint in my eyes anymore...

God I hate this world of pretense...

Sometimes I really hate pretending... pretending to be someone I'm not... Pretending to smile even though I don't want to smile...

I hate pretending in front of my parents... Not telling them how I really feel...

Was looking through AdZ's phone that day... and saw the verses her mum smsed her... to read... and I felt really really touched... I wish I can have a relationship like that with my parents... I wish I can understand how they feel... I wish I can receive verses of encouragement...

But why is it all that I receive is verses of mockery

Of "U're fat..."

Of "U think that U're christian now U don't need your ancestors"

No matter how hard I try... No matter how much I do... I can never ever be good enough can I?

God... it hurts... it really does... I pray you take it away... God take away the hurt I feel at times... Take away the timidity... God U know I hide my fears by appearing strong... God... I pray, oh Lord that you show me the plans you have for me...

I hate pretending... To the extent I find myself fake... I hate smiling yet not meaning it...

BUT through it all... there is only ONE thing to be thankful of...

That God has never ever let me go... That God still loves me through it all...

Despite my sins...

Despite the fact that I am fat...

Despite the fact that I lie to get myself out of trouble...

Despite the fact that I act strong... yet I am really a baby inside...

Despite the fact that when I manja I am seeking for attention...

Despite the fact that I am not lovable most of the time...

Despite the fact that I say hurtful stuff and don't mean it...

Despite the fact that I denied Jesus time and again...

God still loves me...

God I only pray for your presence to be so real in my life... God show me the way... Teach me your ways... God...take away the hurts... Father, speak to me...

I love you...

and I know...

You love me... and You have always always loved me...